The Tominator

"Listen, and understand. The Tominator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you are dead."

Once upon a time Tom Pro was the Head Coach of Murray Camp. In the twisted world of Murray Camp this was often used as an excuse to actually prevent him from coaching - not so much out of concern over the workload of dealing with all of those death certificates and the like, but more plain fear of the consequences of Tom's "coaching" itself. So great was this, that it was even rumoured that his coaching badge was held, in circumstances of the highest security, in a cobwebbed Intrawest basement from where it could only be released in the most dire emergencies by the simultaneous deployment of separate keys by two other Murray Camp coaches.

Unfortunately, following from years of complaints and threatened lawsuits (all inexplicably withdrawn at the last minute it should be noted), Tom has been relieved of his major duties as Head Coach of Murray Camp and replaced by a new Führer. The greatest concern about this change of management was not that it might do any damage to the Murray Camp "brand" (it is hard to envisage quite how one could do that), but more that it potentially relieves Tom of an excuse for not coaching. Thankfully, with the connivance of senior Whistler-Blackcomb management, Tom has been provided with a new plaything in the form of his bike park design business and it is to be hoped that the opportunities that this presents him for hurting innocent civilians will curtail the opportunities for him doing the same at Murray Camp. However, just in case you are very unlucky, here is a guide to Tom Pro Coaching Experience...

More than possibly any other coach except for Dr Death, The Tominator employs a skiing style which requires the minimal amount of effort. While Dr Death achieves this through the power of Evil, Tom instead merely chooses not to make turns^†. Anyone unlucky enough to find themselves in Tom's group will become rapidly acquainted with this fact. Anyone stupid enough to follow this example will become rapidly acquainted with the afterlife.

One final note worth bearing in mind - in his days as Head Coach, Tom Pro was your final port of call in the event of a complaint. In a role that he still retains, any Campers who feel they might have a complaint will generally be invited to discuss it with Tom and a couple of shovel-carrying vollies somewhere over the back of the Peak. Bizarrely, after having "discussed" their complaint in this way, no one has ever returned to pursue the issue further.

^†Strictly speaking this is not true - Tom employs two turns - a left turn and a right turn. Having employed these, he will typically be at his destination and wondering where his group has got to.

2013 Season Update: The Tominator is currently out of action as a result of exceeding its design specifications. Although these days the Tominator is considered to be an old model, Cyberdyne Systems claim that they are honouring their lifetime warranty and will be shipping replacements for the damaged parts in the very near future.