Glossary

From the Book of Revelations:

Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.

It is well known that John Kindree's binding DIN settings are 6 on the toe piece and 12 (2 times 6) on the heal.

What Murray Campers sign up for...

Area in downstairs bar at The Brewhouse where seriously traumatised Campers will attempt to blot out the horrors of a day in Camp.

A ski tune performed by Mark. Only World Cup GS Racers have the necessary ability to ski on an Andertune - mere mortals should expect a high-speed, messy death - even on the gentlest of runs. If you happen to come into possession of a pair of skis which you suspect are carrying an Andertune, there is a simple test you can perform: carefully run your finger along the edge of the ski; if you find that the end of your finger has now become detached from the rest of your body and there is blood spurting from where it was previously attached, then your ski is indeed carrying an Andertune. Should you be required to ski on an Andertune, your choice of first run will be crucial to your survival: previous recipients of Andertunes have been known to recommend doing GS turns across the parking lot for a couple of hours before proceeding onto more challenging terrain.

An event where Murray Camp survivors meet up and consume terrifying quantities of alcohol in order to blot out the horrors of the day.

Murray coach term for campers. Sarcasm is used extensively as a coaching tool.

A coach's favourite food. The (former) Head Coach maintains that any associated cholesterol build-up can be safely washed away with beer.

1. See Steve [skiing]
2. See David [hobbies]

Time for any Murray Camp survivors to head for the bar to drown their sorrows.

To perform a Belgian Enema, take a bottle of beer, shake vigorously then insert rectally into Detlef. Stand well clear. The Belgian Enema has even been postulated as a technique for getting Detlef to ski faster in the racecourse.

In addition to being an international arms dealer, the Crazy Belgian is also rumoured to operate a secret bio-weapons laboratory which he is reputed to visit en route to Whistler. Within hours of his arrival he can be found infecting all around him with a highly virulent and contagious bacillus which will generally render its victims at death's door within a matter of hours.

*** The following information is classified ***

Black Locust is the codename for an elite Murray Camp (very) special ops unit. On a powder day Black Locust is charged with infiltrating enemy (lift) lines and seeking out and destroying any untracked powder before it can be compromised by enemy activity.

A precondition to learning.

Situation whereby a Camper, having done a very large number of Camps, is driven to the brink destitution in the misguided belief that paying for a just few more Camps will result in them finally learning something. Sufferers of Bold's Syndrome are rumoured to even go to the lengths of selling their bodily organs in order to fund their Murray Camp habit. Other Campers are requested not to encourage Bold's Syndrome sufferers by providing sympathy or indeed (financial) support. The very fact that these sad individuals continue to cling onto the delusion that Murray Camp will at all help their skiing shows them to be creatures of very limited intellect who get what they deserve.

Colloquial term for the McConkey's Cup - a trophy constructed from an ancient leather ski boot and awarded to the winning team in an annual Whistler-Blackcomb staff race. The race is invariably won by the "Dave Murray Camp Wrecking Crew" through a carefully-orchestrated program of intimidation. The major drawback to winning the Cup is the requirement that the winning team drink cheap Champagne out of the boot, chugging down a toxic cocktail of spiders, rats and other detritis accumulated in the boot since its previous public airing.

Physics term that best describes Stevie's direction down the hill, turning at random times as if (or really!) bouncing off other randomly placed objects.

Vancouver realtor who alledgly spent a period of time masquerading as a coach in distant Murray Camp history.

Gondola cabin where the coaches upload early in the morning. Rumoured to be a place of terror from where, once those doors close, there is no escape...

The Camp ™ is just like Dave Murray Camp without most of the coaches, the abuse, the racecourse and many of the repeat offenders. However it does come with a nurturing, corporate, family-friendly attitude.

That's you. The lowest of form of life.

A Camper who, due to some unforeseen LOFT issue, ends up in one of the racing nets which sometimes line the Dave Murray Downhill. Coaches are alerted to the presence of said Camper by the tugging on the net caused by the Camper trying, in vain, to free themselves. In such circumstances, a Coach can offen be seen dashing across to the net in question, in order to subdue the "catch" by striking it across the back of the head with a shovel. All that is then required is for the Coach to "land" his or her catch in order to secure maximum standing among the other coaches.

Non-Murray Camp personnel found on a ski slope. Often used for gate training.

To be beaten in the race by a female. An indication to males that they are even more pathetic than they previously thought. Chicking occurs in Murray Camp with depressing regularity.

The embodiment of all that is wrong about Murray Camp.

Can't Remember A F***ing Thing. See Detlef.

A sign that Sponge Bob was here.

Class Reduction Technique: a talent highly prized among Murray Camp coaches.

Specially prepared skis available for free loan to Campers during the day. At the request of coaches or - for a suitable consideration - non-coaches, the Murray Camp demo ski staff can perform special modifications to demo ski bindings.

Graph showing the relationship between number of camps (X axis) and skiing ability (Y axis). The Detlef Curve exhibits a distinctly downward trend.

Do Not Attempt To Resuscitate. Logo appearing on apparel worn by certain Campers which serves as an instruction to Ski Patrol should they ever recover the body of said Camper from some icy grave.

Den of Iniquity at the bottom of the Dave Murray Downhill. Rumoured to be occasionally frequented by coaches on non-Camp days. Hence to be avoided like The Plague lest they discover you and sign you up for some out of hours torture.

Former Murray Camp administrator. After a significant number of years in charge of the day-to-day running of Murray Camp filling in death certificates and dealing with distraught nexts of kin, Elie eventually saw sense and decided to take a leave of absence from the Camps. She has been absent ever since and shows no sign of ever returning to the freak show.

Pretty much any Camp with Ken. Also known as "Ken's Tour of Terror".

While Kindree generally prefers to torture his victims in person, there are times when the Evil One cannot be around. On such occasions his dark spirit has been known to inhabit a familiar - a creature whose sole purpose is to perform its master's evil bidding. Anyone encountering a suspected Kindree familiar is strongly recommended to dispatch the creature in the time-honoured fashion before it is able to complete its evil calling.

Monster specially imported from Europe to put The Fear on particularly troublesome Campers.

Instruction from Kindree that you are about to die.

A Murray Camp virgin.

The first language of Belgian arms dealers.

Traynorism for Powder.

A hazard planted by Kindree, typically on a racecourse and used to inflict severe injury to any moron stupid enough to ski over it.

Colloquial term for a bad skier. Gorbies can be especially identified by their "tuck" position where the hands are cradled to the chest with the ski poles protruding from underneath the arms, high into the air (as if serving as antennas for picking up Radio Moscow).

Coach from Murray Camp prehistory temporarily resurrected for the 25^th Anniversary Camp in order to taunt Campers with the prospect of actually learning something. After the Camp, Gord was once more expelled into the outer darkness for fear of showing up the other coaches.

Traynor's best attempt at pronouncing "Gill".

Manoeuvre unique to The Bullet and used to initiate a turn.

A Happy Pop gone badly wrong.

An award used to acknowledge that an individual has done far more Camps than can be considered remotely sensible. Individuals in receipt of the Honorary Coach badge are not actually permitted to coach - they are way too damaged to be placed in a position of such irresponsibility.

Nope, no idea what this is...

An ancient French torture device now banned in all but a few Third World countries.

To be beaten in a race by Tom - e.g. "Kindree has been kegged. Again". Similarly, "Kindree has just received a good kegging".

A low-end group coached by Kindree. For many of these Campers, this will be their first experience of Murray Camp. And their last.

It is a well established fact that Dr Death does not stop lunch for lunch, using starvation as a further means of eliminating his Campers. Over the years however some Campers have got wise to this tactic and have taken to carrying morsels of food which they surrepticiously devour on chairlifts while The Evil One's gaze is elsewhere. Or so they think. Unfortunately, Death sees all and has devised a typically evil response to this flagrant attempt at sandbagging: firstly, arrange a meal for the evening after a Camp day; then, on the day in question, abandon the Camp in the early afternoon due to bad weather or similar (since when have the undead been remotely affected by a drop of rain??) and retire with the Campers for a late lunch at the Trattoria. By the time lunch has been served and consumed, only a few precious hours remain until the evening meal. By the time the evening meal has been consumed, the Campers are nearing death through extreme obesity. Kindree, being already dead, is of course immune.

A member of the public who attempts to attach themselves to a Murray Camp group in the deluded belief that they will learn something or discover somewhere great to ski. Klingons are particularly despised by the coaches who will attempt to shake them off at the earliest opportunity - e.g. by loudly proclaiming something along the lines of: "We're off to Symphany now, I've heard the skiing is over there is great. To get there you need to take the Peak Chair, go straight ahead off the chair then bear right. Once you've got round the corner, bear right again and carry a lot of speed to get over the rise. From there on it's all fairly mellow terrain so you can just pin it."

Something which only happens when you are bleeding.

A crazed, psychotic form of life often possessing an unnatural interest in racing and GS gates. Contact with such individuals should be avoided at all costs.

Lack Of F***ing Talent. An issue which plagues all Murray Campers.

Mark, the Mad Professor was for some time a member of the elite Murray Camp coaching staff who was eventually let go on account of his unfortunate habit of repeatedly maiming himself. This is generally considered to be poor form for a coach since maiming is considered to be the traditional preserve of Campers. In many ways the departure of the Mad Professor was regrettable given how he elevated coaching to an art form: unlucky Campers were known to have been trapped for hours in a tiny video-hut without food or water whilst being subjected to Mark's in-depth analysis of why they were so irredeemably useless. It was even rumoured that Ski Patrol were kept on permanent stand-by during a Mark analysis session in case a Camper tries to gnaw their own legs off in an attempt to be excused further torture.

Explanation used by coaches questioned over how to ski a particularly difficult run or similar. The explanation goes along the lines of "It's just mind over matter. I don't mind because you don't matter."

Status attached to a long-term Camper who ceases to appear at Camp. Being posted as "Missing In Action" is a precarious position for a Camper since, should they subsequently be found to be lacking a suitably convincing excuse (i.e. major, verifable injury) then it is only a small step to being labelled as a "deserter". And we all know what happens to deserters...

An award given out at the end of a Murray Camp to an individual whom the coaches consider gullible or naïve enough to be persuaded into coming back for another Camp.

Exclamation made by a fresh meat camper carrying out the "Follow Me" manouvere in the complete belief that they are completely safe and that their coach would not take them anywhere where their safety was in any doubt.

Weakness leaving the body.

A particularly gruesome and protracted form of death reserved for Campers who, over time, have proved inexplicably resilient to all other attempts on their lives.

Pierre succeeded Elie in the long line of unfortunates selected to run Murray Camp. In his case he only lasted only one season in the post before succumbing to self-harm. Quite what pushed him over the edge remains a matter of speculation however some suggest that it was the shame of being taken in (and showing concern) over a report of the Crazy Belgian going missing somewhere way out of bounds (any self-respecting Murray Camp coach would consider such an event to be a god-send and would leave the moron out there to die a cold, unpleasant death).

The only coaching that you will ever receive on Tommy's Tour Of Terror.

Murray Camp award for cowardice in the face of the enemy.

An indication that Stuie has not won the race. Or even finished. See Tantrum.

A camp in which the only duty of campers is to "keep up" so that the coach can use the ski school line on a powder day. To facilitate this the coach simply leaves stragglers to die or, in moments of desparation, resorts to "coaching" (remember at least one camper has to survive).

Interloper (typically a Limey) who, having sponged all they can off their home country, moves to Canada with the objective of sucking that country dry as well.

A form of greeting much favoured by Bucky.

A particularly damaged form of Camper who, for reasons they can no longer explain, keeps on returning for more and more torture.

To disuade person (or persons) behind you from attempting a run by excessively faffing at the entry to said run. Named in honour of its greatest exponent. Note that it is even possible to robbie oneself hence the immortal phrase "Robbie robbied herself".

The nearest real-life analogy to Tom Pro skiing.

The most loathsome form of Camper: one who fails to pull their weight in the group and generally slows up the process of Camper extermination. If you are at all unsure how to recognise a sandbagger, here is an example of one.

To consume untracked powder.

A group of skiers who travel across the mountain, schralping untracked powder until there is none left.

A specialised form of detonation whereby the victim crashes face first into the snow with sufficient force that the tails of their skis rebound, hitting them in the back of the head. Only particularly gifted individuals are able to perform the scorpion.

A prized and widely employed tool in Murray Camp. The Murray Camp Shovel has many uses including subduing the Catch of The Day, dispatching any race psychos who have the temerity to turn up to Gatebusters on a powder day and also for digging gopher traps.

Advanced technique for performing a 180 degree turn in exposed terrain. To perform the ski boot turn, step out of one's skis, pick up them up then place back on the ground, pointing in the opposite direction. Now step back into the skis.
See also Stuie Turn.

Regarded by Murray Camp coaches as an arguably lower form of life even than Campers. This is in fact what some Campers metamorphose into when they finally acknowledge that they will never, ever be able to ski. See Twinkie.

Secret, pre ski-off negotiations performed by the coaches in order to ensure the allocation of particularly weak Campers to their group.

See Tantrum.

Advanced technique for performing a 180 degree turn in exposed terrain. To perform the Stuie turn, carefully side-step away from the exposed terrain for some distance. Half a mile generally should do the trick. Once back on safe, flat terrain, out of sight of the nastiness, perform a normal 180 degree turn. Now carefully side-step back up to the exposed terrain.
See also Ski Boot Turn.

Braquage done badly.

Just Grill and The Bullet are collectively known as the Tuck Sisters, so David and Steve are often referred to as the "Suck Brothers". This requires no further explanation.

The title of the Murray Camp coaching manual. The manual has no other pages.

Rolling Stones song allegedly penned as a tribute to Kindree. Presumably Mick and Keef had a private, back in the day.

See Stuie.

Favourite drink of Steve. He likes Tea so much he has been known to stop on the race course for a cup.

Like a thoroughbred racehorse, Stuie has been known to "refuse" when confronted with a particularly difficult hurdle. Even when it isn't.

(Only) style of turn favoured by Tommy Pro. The Tommy Turn most closely resembles a GS turn with the added advantage that it can (according to its chief - and only - proponent) be employed in any terrain or conditions where a turn is deemed necessary. Campers unlucky enough to be allocated to Tom's group will often find themselves being required to perform Tommy Turns - typically with pretty unpleasant results. To perform the Tommy Turn, first find a piece of steep, dangerous terrain. Now face down the hill and fall forwards. Once your velocity has reached an uncomfortable level^†, try to turn. In a very short space of time you should find yourself tumbling uncontrollably to an icy death.

^†technical note: there in fact does not exist a speed which Tom finds uncomfortable - this is the connundrum presented by the term "Tommy Turn".

In the event that a repeat offender is found to be deliberately avoiding taking camps, Tom Pro reserves the right to gather together a group of other coaches and take said repeat offender on a truly unforgettable^† tour of runs cliffs across the mountain.

^†well, only "unforgettable" in the unlikely event of the repeat offender somehow surviving the tour.

Run where Detlef spontaneously breaks out into a muttered tirade of expletives generally as a result of his inability to even ski it to his customary low standard.

Similar idea to Tommy's Tour Of Terror except that coach is Traynor and victims may be ordinary Campers who just happen to have drawn an even shorter straw than usual.

While Kindree is widely believed to be invincible, supported as he is by the power of Evil; this is in fact not the case and on rare occasions His Evilness can be laid low by unforseen hazards such as a carelessly dropped crucifix lying in the snow or the sudden, unanticipated appearance of the sun from behind the clouds. These events are however sadly very rare and to be savoured (but not openly lest you become the target of Death's wrath).

Collective term referring to Grill and The Bullet. The term alludes to their particular tendency towards assuming low "tuck" positions at every possible opportunity - particularly in order to overhaul their more generously proportioned male associates. Tuck sisters are at their most terrifying when unleashed from the Peak Chair with a jug or more of beer inside each of them.

Murray Camp term for regular ski instructors. Name derives from the striking similarity between a (former) ski school uniform and the named item of confectionry.

Coaching technique invented by Willy. The V-formation draws inspiration from Nature where migrating birds are known to fly in such a formation to improve aerodynamic efficiency and allow trailing members of the flock to maintain sight of the leaders. In Willy's world, on encountering a pitch with poor visibility and dubious snow quality, Campers are instructed to ski in a similar formation, notionally to maintain sight of each other and thereby use leading members of the group as context in the poor lighting conditions. In truth, what Willy will do is select the Camper most likely to crash to lead the "V" so that, when said Camper does inevitably crash, the trailing Campers will find themselves suddenly deprived of their contextual reference point and are thus far more likely to follow suit. This elaborate strategy therefore ensures maximum carnage in the group.

An ancient redneck terror weapon.

A form of personalised humiliation employed by the coaches to remind Campers of just how much they suck.

A group of individuals who help run the Camps by performing menial tasks for the coaches. Murray Camp vollies are often serial killers or axe murderers on the run from the law. Do not make eye-contact with these people or attempt to engage them in conversation.

A gibberish term meaning "undulation".

Ski pole wielded on the ski off and used to assign you to your coach.

In the event of a Camper suffering a cardiac arrest (always a possibility on Murray Camp), a Coach may be called upon to perform resuscitation. In a novel twist Murray Camp coaches are rumoured to subsitute a pair of waxing irons for the more traditional "paddles".

That which coaches seek out above all else. Showing weakness in the presence of the coaches is equivalent to dripping blood into a tank of sharks.

Place of unspeakable horror where many Murray Campers have been sent to die.

Needed after a typical day in camp.... or night in the Brewhouse with Siân.

Much liked the masked hero, Detlef likes to carve Z-shapes wherever he goes. This is particularly apparent on a powder day when Detlef can produce a Z covering the entire run.

See David (skiing).