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Abuse
Another aspect of Murray Camp that no would-be Camper should be unaware of
is the abuse. Abuse is a tool used by the coaches to remind Campers of just
what a lowly form of life they truly are. Abuse can range from simple
throw-away insults to immortal lines which need to be recorded for posterity.
The following are some of the latter.
"Give this 90% of your 10%."
- The Mad Professor to Steve.
"You moron."
"You were rotating like a bar stool."
"Weren't you looking where you were going?"
- Kim to Ian - upon learning that he had T-boned himself
on a race netting hoist (this coming 2 runs after Ian had confessed to
a "revelation" about learning to look ahead).
"That run was so awful I'm not even going to comment on it."
- Kim to Pretty Boy.
"I could smell your skiing from here. It was that bad."
"Your skiing is so bad, it hurts my eyes."
"If yer ain't bleedin', yer ain't learnin'."
- Dr Death.
"He's having issues with the turn, maybe he's afraid of catching his
skirt on something."
- Traynor to Stuie. The
"Crocodile Rock Incident" 13th March, 2007.
"'Fer Crissakes you peckerhead, get your ass down here."
- Traynor to Stuie. The
"Crocodile Rock Incident" 13th March, 2007.
"Be careful what you ask for Anderson...."
- Venner to Mark
after Steve falls over following Mark's coaching instructions to the letter.
"You were skiing okay this morning, but after lunch you made me
wanna puke."
"Pat, you are a disgrace to mankind."
"You got balls."
"Give me your poles"...
<whack> "your" <whack> "ed"
<whack> "is" <whack> "as"
<whack> "ard" <whack> "as"
<whack> "your" <whack> "elmet."
"Why, why do you do zis?"
"Because I like it."
- Roland.
"I haven't seen anything so pathetic since I last skied with
Detlef."
- Bucky referring to Detlef
(after Detlef T-bone's himself on first gate).
"You looked like a dog humping a ball."
- Pro to Pretty Boy.
"Were you
taking a shit?"
- Pro to Pretty Boy.
"I know you don't do quick."
- Kim to Pretty Boy.
"You ski like a ski instructor ...ish"
"Yeah, like a Twinkie."
"...a big cream puff."
- Kim and group to Pretty Boy - 28 March 2007.
"I'm fairly certain that Steve's motivation is not becoming a
better skier and he is a reflection of a lot of people that frequent
this Camp"
- Pro to Stevie - Tom's Blog 5th May 2007.
"That run made me want to fall asleep."
"Come on fat boy, get on with it."
- Felix to
Stuie (Glacier Couloir, 6th March 2007).
"Don't ski like that in gay week."
"You're a pair of boobs."
"David's afraid of hurting the snow."
"If the snow was a bit softer, I'd make you all go down there."
- Felix
referring to The Coffin.
"Stevie Boy, I've got yer in ma sights..."
- Kindree to Stevie.
"Stevie Boy, you're going down at Gate 4..."
- Kindree to Stevie.
"Stevie Boy, I'm going to kill you..."
- Kindree to
Stevie.
"I reckon I could skin 'em both myself."
- Kindree to Stevie and Cream Puff.
"In you I see a horror movie in the making."
"He's so out of shape† he can't use muscle
power to slow himself down"
- Kim to Pretty Boy (Weds 9th Jan 2008).
†note that this is actually incorrect since
"round" is in fact a shape.
"You did that to yourself, you Moron."
- Traynor to Detlef after Detlef chooses to ski his
own programme, ends up base grinding his skis on a large boulder and
then headplants spectacularly in the soft snow below it.
"You're skiing like a Dutchman."
- Detlef to Detlef.
Camper: "Steve's such a nice guy, staying at the back and
making sure that everyone gets down okay."
Kindree: "No he's not."
Camper: "How so?"
Kindree: "He's just making sure the
weakest survive in order to save himself."
"Copy steve - he's doing it right."
- Pro to Pretty Boy.
"You're skiing yourself into a lower group."
- Mark to Pretty Boy.
"You spoilt my best traverse of the season."
- Steve to Pretty Boy after David comes over a rise,
performing some of his "best-ever" turns, only to find Steve
traversing the slope immediately below him.
"Detlef, reach between your legs and have a good feel. Did you
find anything there? Do you have any balls?"
- Pro to Detlef after Detlef encounters some
local difficulties attempting a minor drop-in.
"I was a bit concerned about doing that traverse then I thought,
if Detlef can do it, anyone can"
- anon
"If you want to get to the next level you need to stop skiing
like Kindree."
- Kim to Steve.
"Your upper body motion makes you look like a 1980's
prostitute"
- Kindree to Victoria Ostler
"I suppose you have improved. In your own peculiar way."
- Mark to Steve.
"We have no winners..."
- Pro
"no, only losers"
- Kindree
"We are not here to coach, we are here to wait"
- Willy
"You suck. You not fast enough even after all those Camps.
You should ask for a refund."
- Sanae to Steve
"My skiing is like masturbation. No one wants to watch me doing it
however I find it quite pleasurable."
- Cream Puff
"'Fer Crissakes Grandma, just pick your shit up and get down here."
- Traynor to John LOFTson
"You looked like Bambi on Ice"
- Ken to Steve after Steve picks his way down a boilerplate race course on blunt, fat skis
"I feel like a man who has brought a knife to a gunfight"
- Steve
"Yeah, a butter knife"
- Ken
"Peak to Creek? There's only one person who likes that run - and he's dead."
- Cream Puff
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